Creating a 'Care Plan' for Your Emotional Needs

For those times when all you really want is someone to make you a damn cup of tea without needing to ask.

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Last week, I dreamed about running away.

Not necessarily as epic as what Liz Gilbert did in Eat Pray Love (I went to Bali and it was just OK. Please don’t come at me.), but I did envision only having a 30L backpack with the best quality merino wool clothing you could find. And one little black dress with a sweetheart neckline if I were to randomly be invited by a hot guy to an industry cocktail party. The kind that hugs my curves ever so slightly, where it doesn’t look like I tried too hard but still wanted everyone (especially the hot guy) to turn heads. 

Instead of following through when I woke up and buying a plane ticket to Thailand to start my epic adventure, I opted to watch Youtube videos of people decorating their homes for Christmas instead. Also, funny personalities roasting popular romance novels (I’m a fan of this one). I also went down a rabbit hole finding the best technique to use a carbon steel wok on my glass top stove (spoiler alert: most chefs would scoff if I wasn’t using anything other than a flame from a gas range).

Maybe it’s selective amnesia or my mom brain tends to forget anything significant after 3.5 seconds, but this behavior/desire is nothing new. It starts out kind of innocent, where I start looking at hotels in cities I’d like to visit or items I’d like to buy. Then, it morphs into reading celebrity gossip online or going down Youtube rabbit holes. 

Then BAM! I finally admit I’m feeling burnt out. 

I’ve done a lot of thinking about why this happens, and the most honest answer I can come up with for now is that I don’t want to “bother” people. Who am I to have needs! 

I’m a mom, I can’t just take a break and drink a hot cup of tea! 

A six-foot tall dark handsome stranger is going to say no if I ask him to get the jar of dark brown sugar from the top shelf!

As much as I’d love to say this is ridiculous (maybe except drinking the hot tea bit), the truth is that when your emotions get into that place, there is no way to rationalize your way out of it. I know I can sit down and watch an episode of Indian Matchmaking without getting in trouble. Of course it’s ok to want someone to get the jar of dark brown sugar instead of searching my house for a stepladder to do it myself.

But the conditioning of “I can’t possibly express my needs” is so ingrained in me, when a state of burnout or overwhelm happens, I don’t know what to do. It feels like a chore to ask. When it gets all too much, I even try to avoid people or social situations where I’ll know I have fun. 

So when someone in my meditation class suggested a care plan, but for my emotional needs instead of physical ones, I immediately had to write that idea down. 

Here’s what the University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences has to say about care plans:

“The purpose of a nursing care plan is to document the patient’s needs and wants, as well as the nursing interventions (or implementations) planned to meet these needs. As part of the patient’s health record, the care plan is used to establish continuity of care.”

The goal of a care plan is so that the needs and interventions are clearly spelled out, so that if a team of nurses or if the patient can’t verbalize what they need, there’s no guessing on what to do.

Not that I ever want to have low mental health moments, but creating a care plan to clearly spell out what others can do ahead of time removes the emotions from me having to ask over and over again for help. Writing it down once means I don’t have to agonize for days asking for one little thing.

There’s no need to take 12,309 steps to create a care plan, so I’m taking a simplified approach to mine. 

Here’s what I plan to do:

• Take some time and space to really think about what helps me when I’m emotionally overwhelmed. Maybe take a hike or sit at the beach to clear my head and write it down in a notebook. 

• Come up with a list of positive coping strategies others can remind me to use when it’s clear I’m not doing so well.

• Come up with a list of negative coping strategies that may feel comforting in the moment but ends up doing more harm than good (i.e. I stay in my house too much and end up feeling isolated, so this is going on my list). 

• Make a list of positive phrases or words for others so they know what they can say to me when I’m feeling burnt out/emotionally overwhelmed. If I want bonus points, I can also come up with a list of what not to say. 

• Write down a handful of people whom I absolutely trust to be able to treat the care plan with the seriousness it deserves. I already have my husband, a long-time friend, and fellow meditation friends on that list. 

• Once I’ve finalized my care plan, write it out and send it to everyone. I’m typing with the idea of giving a business card (or something similar) with a QR code on it so I can update it without having to print new physical copies every time I do. 

• Come up with a simple phrase I can say to people on my care plan list on when to “activate” the plan. I may be overthinking this, but even something like “I’m not doing so hot” will work. 

My goal is to also create one where I can use it on myself. I may even write down the telltale signs I’m getting to the point of mental exhaustion (I know I will forget). I also love this idea of creating an emergency self-care plan.

Hopefully in a few months I’ll be able to come back and update you all on how it goes!

Let me know in the comments: what is one positive coping strategy you use when you’re feeling burnt out?