Smashing "The More The Merrier" Attitude to Friendships
How exchanging phone numbers, a work conference and Macau cuisine changed my mind about keeping my heart open.
Several new teachers at a British international school and I stood outside the apartment building complex our employer provided to us in China. Elated we all finally got local cell phone numbers and bought fancy phones, we stood in a circle, mere inches away from red taxis honking at each other and pedestrians staring at the hoard of gweilos.
One stood slightly outside of the made up circle as we all exchanged phone numbers. I looked over at him, towering above the other teachers with his hands in his pockets. We smiled at each other.
As we rode the elevator up to our respective apartments, he gave me his phone number.
“I’m really careful when it comes to giving out my phone number,” he said. “I don’t have any hesitations about giving you mine because you’re my friend.”
I used to say yes to every invitation, and every interaction was an opportunity to make a new friend. Living in different countries and cities every few years does that to you. It’s normal to seek out connections everywhere in hopes of finding a budding friendship.
Back before the convenience of video calls, social media and messaging apps, you did all you could to get as much face to face connection as possible. Find someone who speaks fluent English when you’re living in a foreign country? Best friends for life!
Even as I got taken advantage of, gotten used, taken for granted multiple times, I still went back to some of these relationships. Replying to text messages quickly became a routine, as the expat co-workers and friends needed advice *stat* for places to eat, where to shop for home goods, how to say this and that in Mandarin Chinese.
The more friends the merrier, right?
Burnt out from parenting and starting over in a new career, I made the trek to fly across the US to a work conference. The goal was to find new writing clients — I had to make this freelance thing work.
Most of the folks I worked with online kept insisting I sign up for meetups and socialize. Grab a drink, chat about somebody’s day, and you’ll find work, they said.
Desperate to make sure the almost-thousand dollars I spent was well worth my time, I took everyone’s advice to heart.
My penchant for “the more the merrier” was in full swing. My online networking skills magically landed me a speaking gig on the main stage. I spoke to everyone after about it and used it as conversation fodder in addition to the usual small talk to meet and catch up with all the people.
I signed up for more meetups than I remember. At the last minute, I signed up for a lunch meetup where I didn’t know a single soul.
There were two folks who were chatty. We got along well and exchanged contact details and ended up bumping into each other several times.
We’ve since chatted daily, going on several writers' retreats together. They’re the first ones to know I was to fly to Canada to see my dad in hospice (aside from family, of course).
The hundreds of other people at the conference I met? We’ve since faded from each other's memories.
Dearests, if you’re on Substack and like what you’re reading on Searching For Enough please consider recommending this publication. Your readers can come to a safe space where in a world asking you to strive for more, I help them champion for living life on their own terms by listening to and acting on your inner voice.
These days, I’ve learned to keep my heart open to certain degrees depending on the people and situations I come into contact with. My meditation teacher told me years ago that to live life is to open your heart, but it doesn’t mean your heart has to be fully open all the time.
It’s taken me years to fully understand what they mean. I can open my heart to make friends, but keep it less open when it’s clear that the care or friendship won’t be reciprocated. Or when someone tries to ask me to help them to move apartments yet again, but can’t seem to come out for a coffee date.
It’s not about the more the merrier. It’s about knowing what’s enough to sustain and deepen a relationship, and be merry about that.
So the new friend who gave me his phone number?
We went out to dinner the next night to try a new Macanese restaurant.
Then a new restaurant the next night, and the night after that.
I may not have been careful about who I gave my phone number to that day, but I was careful who had access to my heart.
This year, he and I celebrated 14 years of marriage.
I’m glad I kept my heart (and phone) open 100% for him when we exchanged numbers in that elevator.
Dearests, if you’re on Substack and like what you’re reading on Searching For Enough please consider recommending this publication. Your readers can come to a safe space where in a world asking you to strive for more, I help them champion for living life on their own terms by listening to and acting on your inner voice.
Congratulations on 14 years of marriage! ❤️My husband and I met, too, through work overseas. Friendships can be tricker, though, and they seem to be a hot topic these days, probably because of social media, etc, has made it a bit more complicated than in the past. Friendships come and go, I've learned, but some hang around a little longer, xo
aww this essay made me smile! :) I guess over time, we gain the intuition when to open our hearts up to which people and how much, which can only be learned by experience.