Things I'm Scared to Admit Out Loud
Or, why I need to be left alone.
I just came back from a writer’s retreat I’ve helped to organize with some dear friends of mine. As much as I loved connecting with them all (we see each other maybe once or twice a year), I relished in the alone time I had at a coffee shop for two hours one morning.
The cashew milk cold brew was divine.
The heirloom tomato toast with goat cheese? I was willing to sacrifice my stomach and all the weird ways it reacts to food to thoroughly enjoy every single bite.
Those two hours were, in fact, a space where I had one of the biggest epiphanies during this entire retreat. That’s not to say that I didn’t have great conversations (I did!) and cherished the time I spent with these dear friends.
But it was on this trip I realized it’s not enough to clear things off my plate anymore. I needed someone to help me take much of the emotional labor off certain tasks.
I looked at my to-do list and obligations and don’t want to take any of it off. I want to be a present mother and wife. I’m too cheap to hire lawn care professionals or someone to clean the house. I love my creative projects like writing on Substack. I want it all and am pretty realistic about what “having it all” means in my life.
What I’ve discovered is the emotional labor of planning and the logistics of it all is what is making me exhausted.
Dearests, if you’re on Substack and like what you’re reading on Searching For Enough please consider recommending this publication. Your readers can come to a safe space where in a world asking you to strive for more, I help them champion for living life on their own terms by listening to and acting on your inner voice.
Like, I love planning trips, but wondering constantly if there’s anyone with a food allergy, or have dietary restrictions takes up a lot of brain space when finding restaurants for a group of 10.
Or, when I’m working with an editorial director on a book and I'm constantly having to constantly add, subtract or move deadlines for every single task.
Don’t get me wrong. I am mostly happy where I am. But something’s gotta give. And I’m scared to say it out loud because I’m not sure who will handle some of this emotional labor. It could be hiring someone, asking friends and family to take it on. Or, I just need a five-day nap and all will be well.
In the meantime, alone time is where it is at. And I’m not a bad person for wanting more of it. And neither should you.
Your turn: What’s something you’re scared to admit out loud, but when you do will have a profound change in your life?
More rest! I need more rest and despite talking about the lost art of rest everywhere, I’m human too. I also wish to rest more, allow myself to rest more and stand up for the need in front of others more.