Thank you for opening your heart on something so intimate. It is beautifully written and very touching.
I lost my dad last year. He was not an immigrant but also didn’t have much conversation with me until I was an adult. I think that generation had a different way of being a father: providing for the family, ensuring stability and safety. They were not told of how to talk and express their feelings. But they stayed with us and they loved us and that’s already a lot.
There is a tree on my running path which is “my dad” and I continue to have conversations with him there.
I hope you get to have many more with him in a way that soothes you.
thanks Sarah - so hard to put into words what is felt so deep and buried - my late mum was a an immigrant in a foreign land as I am now. I look back so much and better perceive the struggles she herself was having surviving in a land not her own. The harshness that can come with the need to survive.perhaps? Anyway thankyou for sharing this and hope you know an unraveling of so many confusing emotions through your writing . Alex x
Harshness indeed. But what I'm also realizing is that parents are human, having flaws are part of it all. Happy to hear how you're learning about your late mom. Thank you for stopping by!
Sarah, this is my introduction to your writing. Familial relationships are so complicated. My parents are both living, but I have been unraveling my relationship with them since around the time I turned 40, almost 4 years ago. The tug-and-pull of wanting to be close, to belong, yet needing to be my own person and to be supported in that--this is the main source of my struggle. You honored your father well here, and your love for him. I've learned that we can admit that the people we love still wounded us in some way, and that admission doesn't detract from our care and commitment to the relationship.
And yes, allowing all of our responses/feelings about the relationships we have, no matter how complex is definitely key. I think the honest is what makes the relationship stronger.
Oh goodness, this is really beautiful. I feel it so much. My dad and I didn’t have the conversations I wish we could have had. It took him dying for me and my mum to have them properly. He didn’t deal with emotions well (a major reason he had such a terrible last few years and then died), taught by a father who was completely emotionally inept (to be blunt). A trait passed down. I wish I knew then what I knew now and could have the courage to have those conversations. Grief taught me an unbelievable amount though, and I’m not sure it’s the stuff I would have learned if he hadn’t passed. It’s a shame we have to learn them when they’re gone. I always like to say our relationship has continued now, though, even if it is one-sided. I’ve had times where I’ve been furious at him, beyond rage. I pitied him, at others. But under it all, are those little joys, those things I hold on to, because he was, ultimately, a good man.
I always come back to this belief. Generally speaking, people act with good intentions; it’s the delivery of those intentions that can be less great. My father tried to provide for his family and in doing so, tried to be too strong, until he broke.
P.S. I will add that the good intentions tend to go in a particular direction, towards particular people. If we feel hard done by as a result of someone intentions/actions, then we can question what direction their intention travelled in. We may not have been the one at the receiving end.
Ok I’ve waffled! Thank you for sharing this, a really beautiful piece. I’m so glad we were connected here 😊
I love that you're continuing your relationship with your father in your own way. And I agree, I don't think I would have learned all I have since my father passed either. I do honestly believe he tried his best and that's enough for me. Thank you for this lovely comment, and for sharing about your experience with grief :)
I feel the same, and like to believe that people do the best they can with what they have and know at the time. I often have quite candid conversations with my mum now and she often laments about how she'd do things differently if she knew then what she knows now.
Thank you for this piece and for connecting. Grieving a parent when it isn't the straightforward emotion most expect can be tough to explain sometimes.
What a beautiful post! So moving, inspiring and touching. My father is still alive but our relationship is not good at all if not inexistant. You've inspired me to write to him, just for me. 💛
Thank you for sharing this. I have a draft of something very similar sitting in my Substack folder, but too overwhelmed to complete it, let alone send it. I lost my Father two years ago when he took his own life, and it gutted me in a way I’ve never been before. He was a simple person that kept a lot of deepness to himself and I wish whole heartedly that I tried a bit harder to reach inside him. But, he too had his little ways of saying “I love you” to me and his family and those gestures feel like a little secret language that only I knew about. Thank you again for this. I know in time, my letter to my father will find it’s way into the universe ❤️
I love your letter Sarah! I love that working through the negatives made space for you to see the positives. I do the very same thing with all my pain, relationships that have ended, deaths, etc. I find it very healing. I too lost my dad when I was eleven. I'm 66 now and as I write this I realize I've never written about him. Thank you for inspiring me. I think it's time.
This is a beautiful piece Sarah. Thank you for sharing the often confusing and confronting relationship we can have with our dads. My relationship was strained with my own father from my mid teens until quite recently (I’m nearly 40). He became quite sick a few years ago, he’s ok and is still with us but I think the realisation that he won’t be here forever, has enabled me to see past his flaws and our deep differences. When I became a mother myself, I witnessed how difficult it is to parent, how often I catch myself not be as patient or as interested as I desired my own dad to be, but he never was. Thank you for sharing a conversation that is so often played out in my own mind. L x
Thank your for sharing. It's wild to think we almost need these stark realizations to shift things within, but what is important is that it has. I can so feel what you're saying about the feelings when you're a parent. I appreciate the honesty.
This was beautiful. Thank you for your vulnerability. I lost my dad when I was 17 (31 years ago) and although he wasn’t an immigrant, he was clinically depressed and not a talker. A lot of this resonated with me. I had more anger though toward my mother. She died when I was 24. I could see having written a letter like yours to her. Grief is so complicated, but I find the only way is *through*.
This is one of those essays that I'm going to have to return to a few times—it's that rich in detail and nuance. Thank you for crafting such a poignant, tender letter, Sarah. It was deeply meaningful to read!
Beautiful. An experience that I think many of us share - immigrant dads of a certain age didn’t operate in a significant part of the emotional spectrum that their children were educated by society to expect. I’m so glad you wore this and I’m so glad I read it. ❤️
Thank you for opening your heart on something so intimate. It is beautifully written and very touching.
I lost my dad last year. He was not an immigrant but also didn’t have much conversation with me until I was an adult. I think that generation had a different way of being a father: providing for the family, ensuring stability and safety. They were not told of how to talk and express their feelings. But they stayed with us and they loved us and that’s already a lot.
There is a tree on my running path which is “my dad” and I continue to have conversations with him there.
I hope you get to have many more with him in a way that soothes you.
I love that, I'm imagining the tree now. And you're right, all parents can do is do the best they can.
Taught not told!
thanks Sarah - so hard to put into words what is felt so deep and buried - my late mum was a an immigrant in a foreign land as I am now. I look back so much and better perceive the struggles she herself was having surviving in a land not her own. The harshness that can come with the need to survive.perhaps? Anyway thankyou for sharing this and hope you know an unraveling of so many confusing emotions through your writing . Alex x
Harshness indeed. But what I'm also realizing is that parents are human, having flaws are part of it all. Happy to hear how you're learning about your late mom. Thank you for stopping by!
Sarah, this is my introduction to your writing. Familial relationships are so complicated. My parents are both living, but I have been unraveling my relationship with them since around the time I turned 40, almost 4 years ago. The tug-and-pull of wanting to be close, to belong, yet needing to be my own person and to be supported in that--this is the main source of my struggle. You honored your father well here, and your love for him. I've learned that we can admit that the people we love still wounded us in some way, and that admission doesn't detract from our care and commitment to the relationship.
Omg thank you for the lovely compliment😭😭😭
And yes, allowing all of our responses/feelings about the relationships we have, no matter how complex is definitely key. I think the honest is what makes the relationship stronger.
Absolutely! Readers want honesty, anyway. They want us to be real, transparent, and admit all the ugly things we think other people would reject.
Oh goodness, this is really beautiful. I feel it so much. My dad and I didn’t have the conversations I wish we could have had. It took him dying for me and my mum to have them properly. He didn’t deal with emotions well (a major reason he had such a terrible last few years and then died), taught by a father who was completely emotionally inept (to be blunt). A trait passed down. I wish I knew then what I knew now and could have the courage to have those conversations. Grief taught me an unbelievable amount though, and I’m not sure it’s the stuff I would have learned if he hadn’t passed. It’s a shame we have to learn them when they’re gone. I always like to say our relationship has continued now, though, even if it is one-sided. I’ve had times where I’ve been furious at him, beyond rage. I pitied him, at others. But under it all, are those little joys, those things I hold on to, because he was, ultimately, a good man.
I always come back to this belief. Generally speaking, people act with good intentions; it’s the delivery of those intentions that can be less great. My father tried to provide for his family and in doing so, tried to be too strong, until he broke.
P.S. I will add that the good intentions tend to go in a particular direction, towards particular people. If we feel hard done by as a result of someone intentions/actions, then we can question what direction their intention travelled in. We may not have been the one at the receiving end.
Ok I’ve waffled! Thank you for sharing this, a really beautiful piece. I’m so glad we were connected here 😊
I love that you're continuing your relationship with your father in your own way. And I agree, I don't think I would have learned all I have since my father passed either. I do honestly believe he tried his best and that's enough for me. Thank you for this lovely comment, and for sharing about your experience with grief :)
I feel the same, and like to believe that people do the best they can with what they have and know at the time. I often have quite candid conversations with my mum now and she often laments about how she'd do things differently if she knew then what she knows now.
Thank you for this piece and for connecting. Grieving a parent when it isn't the straightforward emotion most expect can be tough to explain sometimes.
Yes. I do believe that grief in general is just as hard to explain .
What a beautiful post! So moving, inspiring and touching. My father is still alive but our relationship is not good at all if not inexistant. You've inspired me to write to him, just for me. 💛
Glad to hear you're going to write a letter just for you. I hope it feels freeing afterwards. Sending love.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for stopping by!
This is so beautifully written Sarah! It sounds like you have been able to heal and have some sort of closure. Sending you hugs!
Awww thank you for stopping by my friend! It means so much you took the time to read this ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. I have a draft of something very similar sitting in my Substack folder, but too overwhelmed to complete it, let alone send it. I lost my Father two years ago when he took his own life, and it gutted me in a way I’ve never been before. He was a simple person that kept a lot of deepness to himself and I wish whole heartedly that I tried a bit harder to reach inside him. But, he too had his little ways of saying “I love you” to me and his family and those gestures feel like a little secret language that only I knew about. Thank you again for this. I know in time, my letter to my father will find it’s way into the universe ❤️
Please tag me when you do publish it! It can feel overwhelming for sure. Thank you for reading!
I love your letter Sarah! I love that working through the negatives made space for you to see the positives. I do the very same thing with all my pain, relationships that have ended, deaths, etc. I find it very healing. I too lost my dad when I was eleven. I'm 66 now and as I write this I realize I've never written about him. Thank you for inspiring me. I think it's time.
If you do write something please tag me, I'd love to read it.
I really appreciate your honest and vulnerable sharing
Thank you for reading!
This is a beautiful piece Sarah. Thank you for sharing the often confusing and confronting relationship we can have with our dads. My relationship was strained with my own father from my mid teens until quite recently (I’m nearly 40). He became quite sick a few years ago, he’s ok and is still with us but I think the realisation that he won’t be here forever, has enabled me to see past his flaws and our deep differences. When I became a mother myself, I witnessed how difficult it is to parent, how often I catch myself not be as patient or as interested as I desired my own dad to be, but he never was. Thank you for sharing a conversation that is so often played out in my own mind. L x
Thank your for sharing. It's wild to think we almost need these stark realizations to shift things within, but what is important is that it has. I can so feel what you're saying about the feelings when you're a parent. I appreciate the honesty.
So beautifully written Sarah. Thank you. I feel the vulnerability of sharing something so personal. ♥️
Thank you for reading!
This was beautiful. Thank you for your vulnerability. I lost my dad when I was 17 (31 years ago) and although he wasn’t an immigrant, he was clinically depressed and not a talker. A lot of this resonated with me. I had more anger though toward my mother. She died when I was 24. I could see having written a letter like yours to her. Grief is so complicated, but I find the only way is *through*.
That last line of yours deeply resonates with me. May we all keep working on our grief. Thanks for reading.
This is one of those essays that I'm going to have to return to a few times—it's that rich in detail and nuance. Thank you for crafting such a poignant, tender letter, Sarah. It was deeply meaningful to read!
Thank you 😭😭😭
Beautiful. An experience that I think many of us share - immigrant dads of a certain age didn’t operate in a significant part of the emotional spectrum that their children were educated by society to expect. I’m so glad you wore this and I’m so glad I read it. ❤️
Yes for sure. I know many have to be in survival mode which I can only try to imagine what is like. Thank you for stopping by!
wore = wrote TYPO