When Your To-Do List Does More Harm Than Good
Or, my attempt at crushing it on a week-long unproductivity challenge.
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Dearests,
On my lunch break, I decided to sit in front of the computer and search “signs of burnout” and was met with search results upon search results of what happens when you work too much, do too much. You know, the usual signs of work burnout. Among the search results, there was a smattering of what happens when you feel like you’re facing an existential crisis (so dramatic), and feel no purpose in life, languishing.
I feel none of these, but something has been off.
At least, I thought it wasn’t a form of work burnout.
I read Oliver Burkman’s The Imperfectionist newsletter, where he wrote about the idea of an “unproductivity challenge” in which you stop giving in to the urge to get things done. The point (and I’m paraphrasing here) is to not spiral into productivity at all costs, to keep doing, to think about the doing, then succumb to the fact that your initial to-do list wasn’t enough, so you must carry on.
As I read on, he of course has to call me out:
And behind all that is generally a self-worth issue: the feeling that until you get it done, you aren’t a fully adequate human, and haven’t quite earned your right to exist.
Damn it.
So maybe this burnout I’m feeling is mental exhaustion, a sense of malaise, that I’m not deserving to rest or exist as a blob on my couch. Having a flexible work schedule messes with my mind most days — surely I can cram in my cleaning chores after I write 3,000 words diving deep into tax topics?
I’ve also realized, much to my dismay, that on the days I’ve scheduled off, I’m still doing something “productive” like grocery shopping, or watching Youtube videos about how to best weed the garden. And if my energy is high, I keep going, like the Energizer Bunny, ‘til sundown.
As annoyed as I was for being called out, I loved the potential in this challenge, as simplistic as it appears on the surface. Oliver Burkman specifically says to mark time in the calendar for yourself, and then use the time for anything else other than being productive. I decided to take it one step further and made note of how I felt about the work I did that day, and to make sure I stop when the to-do list is done (I tend to do best with three tasks max).
The point? I wanted to see if this will help me stay more present and to see if uncoupling my self-worth with productivity will help ease the exhaustion I feel.
I started off the week fine, the first two days I stopped when I said I would stop (either at a certain time or when my to-do list was complete). I had some errands that I didn’t get to on a Tuesday, but instead of beating myself up for it, I pushed it off to the next day.
But alas, my productivity tendencies came crawling back by Tuesday evening. I had this nagging feeling that I needed to complete work or chores or else I couldn’t relax or do any of the fun tasks I wanted to do. I went to vote and passed by a funeral with a huge procession (I later learned it was for a police officer killed in the line of duty).
Instead of dealing with this sense of unease by watching Netflix, I decided to deep clean my house. So much for taking time to myself.
Feeling bad that I didn’t stick to what I said I was going to do (I needed to BE PERFECT at this unproductivity challenge!), I began plotting my day off on Fridays and cramming in all the “fun” stuff so I wouldn’t have a chance to slip up.
I read a book in the morning and got lost in the beautiful prose, then decided that I’d see if I can finish it, then proceeded to speed read before picking up the kiddo from school.
So much for trying to stay present and enjoy what I was doing on my day off.
I wish I could impart on some great big lesson or insight on what you can do if you’re feeling like you can never relax or try to wrestle away from productivity culture. What I can say is that in doing this challenge, I was able to notice when I wanted to keep working. Sure, there was the sense of “I should” in my head, but a lot of it was because I was trying to run away from feelings of anxiety or face the more complicated emotions I was feeling about certain areas of my life.
Was it a self-worth issue like Burkman says it is? In some ways yes. Because at the end of the day, if I can’t face these emotions, then what right do I have to be done with work? Sure, you can argue deep cleaning my house is a way to process them, but until I do the work to sit and just be, I can’t really move through them, can I?
Yes, there are some practical benefits to being productive, but there’s some real value in simply being a blob on the couch. On some days, I deeply wish that were enough.
I’d love to know: what’s your relationship to productivity culture, and how are you learning to truly rest?
In my current phase in life, the only time I would permit myself not to do anything is when I call in sick. Calling in sick feels like such a luxury and privilege that when I exercise it, I feel the moral weight to use it fully to recover, which means I am not suppose to do anything. I can't lie though that I do sneak in some writings; I tell myself they are therapeautic :)
I’m obsessed with productivity, to an unhealthy degree. I can get a lot of shit done. But I make sure to start my day by filling my well with something inspiring, like reading poetry (preferably in Spanish or Italian) with my coffee. I wake myself up gently. I never start with “productivity” first thing in the morning. Then, I kick into full gear. And I mean full gear. But I take my yoga and meditation breaks, or walks with friends in the afternoon or evenings. So maybe this is how I keep sane. But, my right knee is now inflamed and I think this is my body telling me that I’m pushing too hard. So, I listen. I have cancelled my yoga class (which I was supposed to teach) and putting my feet up in bed, in my pjs, reading you! :)