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Hello Dearests,
I started this series by reaching out to some super smart folks who are on their own path to “enough,” and I’m excited to share even more perspectives! (for more, head over to part one and part two of the series)
The “Perspectives on Enough” series is meant to give you a wide range of other voices so that it can help you find your version of "enough. The wonderful Substack writers had given such wonderful thoughts. I'm breaking up this latest installment into two parts.
Without further ado, in no particular order, here are the amazing folks you hear from:
Nan Tepper of The Next Write Thing and Style Your Stack.
Jada Butler of The Midlife Nomad
Ok, I’ll let them take it away!
1. You were at a dinner party and the conversation on 'enough' came up. How would you describe what 'enough' means?
Jada: Since I’m detaching from most of my possessions, this might be easier for me to answer! As a therapist, I would say that we can have literally nothing and have "enough" because I believe we have everything we need inside ourselves, and most of our consumerism is trying to feed parts of us that are more surface-level desires.
Nan: It would be odd to find me at a dinner party, or any party, for that matter. Parties are challenging for me in general because I’m an introvert and I’m in a bigger body and have experienced a lifetime of disordered eating. Taken together I feel self-conscious, but a sit-down dinner party is the most confronting because I usually find myself trapped between people I don’t know and I’m terrible at chit-chat.
A casual buffet is easier, as I have more control over whether I eat or not. At a party that’s a stand-up buffet, I’m free to float around and barely eat. At a buffet, my definition of the word “enough” means not taking any food onto a plate, or at most, I pick at the ever-present platter of crudites. Does anyone really like crudites? I don’t, and I always wonder about the people who load their plates up with raw broccoli and cauliflower. Do they suffer from disordered eating, too. Because I really want to help myself to the cheese platter or dessert tray, but I hold back, because that food is never enough. If I ate what I wanted to, I’d be worried that other guests would be judging me.
I recently published a story about being shamed for reaching for a second cupcake at a birthday party when I was five years old. I was told that one was ENOUGH. Being called out for wanting more set a tone for how I interact at any party I go to, even almost 60 years later.
2. Tell me about a time when you didn't live in alignment with 'enough' or a related value. What happened, how did you react and what did you learn from it?
Jada: I lived most of my adult life not in alignment with feeling like I was "enough". At its most basic level, when we do not feel we are enough, we simply cannot live in alignment. This is why I focus on inner child healing. Once I started therapy and healed this part of me, I filed for divorce realizing I was living in an abusive relationship.
It sounds ridiculous that I didn't know I was living in an abusive relationship now— after I became a therapist myself after my divorce—but at the center of domestic violence is power and control and since I wasn't actually being physically assaulted (and yet was sexually assaulted by him) I never realized this until I started therapy myself. There was also weaponized religion that hurled my direction too, so there were a lot of "good girl" and "people pleasing" to get rid of in my healing journey. I learned that I had to heal my worth in order to feel I could ask for what my heart truly wanted to live the life I wanted instead of living someone else's version of who I should be.
Nan: When I was 52, my father died and left me an inheritance that made it possible for me to buy my first house. Once I’d made the commitment to home ownership, I became terrified that I wouldn’t be able to afford ongoing costs, like heating fuel, general maintenance, and property taxes. I was convinced that I would lose the house because I was scared that I wouldn’t have enough money to support it. I spent way too many sessions with my psychoanalyst obsessing on how I wouldn’t be able to support all my expenses.
But in the face of my anxiety, I started a business and was able to meet my costs and flourish. I’ve been living in my house, very happily––with one or two financial bumps along the way––for going on 13 years. I live simply and have everything I need. I’ve learned to trust my ability to take care of myself. It truly is home sweet home at my house.
Every once in a while, these days I worry about the future, and then I remember that all I know about is today. Today, I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a wonderful job, and I’m living my dream of writing. Staying grounded in the present is the best way for me to know that all is good, and I’ve got enough. This brings me to your next question.
3. At what point did you realize you found your version of enough (or if not, how are you trying to figure that out)?
Jada: I realized this when I finished my therapy journey of 4 years. I had to strip away a lot of self-sabotage and feelings of not being good enough. This is still a work in progress some days! When I changed my narrative about what I was worthy of having in my life, different people showed up in my life. I met my soulmate who loves me in a way I now know I deserve. My relationships improved. My life opened up and I started showing up in bigger ways in life. I did not have to make myself small any longer and can stand in my own power now.
Nan: I take great joy in my minimalist mindset. The “less is more” version of enough has been true for me for many years. I think my frame of reference was first formed while growing up in my childhood home. My parents were not interested in lots of possessions but whatever they did have was high quality. They were both raised working class and somewhat poor, so they learned to make do with less.
As they came into their own, their appreciation for “less is more” or “less is more is more than enough” has been an aesthetic I’ve emulated in my own life. They taught me to value quality over quantity and that’s how I’ve always lived. I don’t like too much stuff in my living and workspace. I’ve always preferred less; I’ve never needed to fill my life with lots of things. I find too many possessions disorienting, in fact. That feeling has been reinforced by living in my sweet little house for the last 13 years. I have more than enough. The only thing there can’t be enough of is wonderful books!
4. Is there a question, journaling question or reflection prompt that you use to help think about your version of 'enough?'
Jada: I journal all the time. I even wrote a one-year journal with journal prompts for those who want to deepen their own self-love. It is on Amazon! I can link it if you want to know more. I do have several mantras I use: "in this moment, I have everything I need". "All good things flow to me effortlessly". "I am worthy of all I desire".
Nan: Whatever you’re writing about, say it cleanly, clearly, and with an economy of words. Use simple language without veering into the territory of too elaborate or flowery.
Less is always more in my book, especially when I write. Less is more than enough.
A HUGE thank you again to Jada and Nan for generously sharing their time.
Your turn: What does enough look like for you in this season in your life?
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