Almost every one of the members in my beloved weekly Zoom catch-up lamented about how they seem to forget how to lean into the good parts of life. That we all know how to take care of ourselves, what we need to do in times of distress, and what actually brings us grounding and joy.
And yet, we don’t make time for it. Or, as I sheepishly admitted to others, I forget to.
“Maybe it’s about creating the conditions for joy to exist,” a friend said.
Finding ways to put yourself in the way of joy of relaxation, gratitude, or any positive emotion doesn’t have to feel like a constant struggle, is what I got from our conversation that day. That we can find ways where we have no choice but to cultivate what it is we seek.
I can’t help but think lately how hard it has been for me to lean into that sense of trust I sorely need. There’s a lot of big changes coming up for me this year, and whenever there’s a whole lot of uncertainty thrown in my face I look outwards a lot. In the past I bought my way out of my anxiety (spoiler alert: it didn’t work) and learned there has to be another way.
Creating the conditions could be anything where all you have to do is show up. That the environment you’re in is such that you can’t help but do what you need to do to cultivate what you want to feel.
One recent example is when I signed up for
’s free Winter Writing Sanctuary class. I wanted to dive into writing in a way where I felt like writing in itself as a goal was enough. I wanted to be present with my words and enjoy the act of writing, not worrying if I was good enough of a writer.Sure, I could have scheduled time in my calendar each day and showed up with my pen and journal, but having a class as a container meant I didn’t give myself a chance to second guess my intention.
Plus, it gave me the opportunity to start to unhook from the fact that everything I write has to be published in order to be worthwhile.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but here are some ideas you can try to create the conditions for what you want to exist:
Schedule a recurring meeting with a friend with a warm personality
I am all for being alone, but sometimes we really need to get out of our head and engaging with a beloved is the way to go. I really soak up someone’s attitude whenever I engage with them, and I want to be able to leave having had a mostly positive experience.
Taking time where you’re most likely not thinking about your own problems for a while can do wonders. By setting up a regular meeting with someone else means you can’t opt out like you normally could to your own promises.
Plus, you can include your friend in the kind of conditions you want to create for something to exist and tell them why you want them involved. I’m going to bet they’ll feel honored and probably share what they’d like to cultivate as well. Maybe you two could be accountability buddies.
Sign up for a class
I hate to admit this after being a self-starter for so long, but I really need outside accountability. And having a class — especially one where it has a start and end date, and even a live component — kicks me into gear.
There’s no need to spend a ton of money if you don’t want to. There are many lovely places on Substack where creators are generously sharing their time and have free (or super low cost) courses. I’ve also found that books which give you a clear timeline in teaching you something to be especially useful — Forgiveness by Iyalana Vanzant is an example of a book I’ve read.
Create a ‘joy snack’ list
A ‘joy snack’ is anything you can do in less than 10 minutes you know would elicit feelings of happiness or joy. Or any feeling you want to cultivate.
Some examples I have on my list include this dance routine from The Fitness Marshall, my favorite scene from the Mr. Bean Christmas special, and drinking a cup of my favorite pu er tea.
Once you create your list, save it somewhere where you can access it easily in case you need to pull something from the list.
Schedule email reminders
Yes, I like to write myself emails. Last year when I was going through a challenging event that involved a series of terrible meetings, I wrote a bunch of emails to myself and scheduled them to be sent out at different times. Some were telling me that it’s not my fault this is happening, to lean into my enough-ness, and that I’ve got this.
It sounds cheesy, but being my own cheerleader in this way really helped.
Freewrite for 15 minutes
I started doing what Julia Cameron calls Morning Pages, where you write a stream of consciousness for three pages first thing in the morning about anything and everything. Believe me, I was skeptical, but after a month-long experiment, I’m a convert. So far it has helped me quell my anxieties and set me up well for the rest of the day.
Granted, writing three letter- or A4-sized pages may be a lot (I initially messed up and thought it was three pages double sided) and it took me about 30 minutes. I don’t always have this time, especially during the school year when I need to get my son to his classes.
Instead, I’ll try 15 minutes if I’m pressed for time and see where that takes me.
I love all the ideas. We do need to create the conditions to help us. I particularly like the joy snack list idea. 10 minutes of joy to choose from whenever needed!